I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
