So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
