This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Randomize
