My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
