Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Success! We fucked roommates!
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
