there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
