New low: just hacked my moms facebook
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
