I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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