Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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