Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
