I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
