how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
no you cant smoke seaweed
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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