Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
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