The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
