Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
