i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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