Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
