I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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