did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
