This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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