just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
