My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
