Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Randomize
