woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I FOUND THE LEGS
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
