Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize