I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
