Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Randomize
