At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
