hell yes lets make some ravioli
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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