If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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