God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
