turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
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