i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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