i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
She's not a foreskin expert like you
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
