Apparently you make a good broom.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
