so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize