how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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