I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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