You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
