Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
