i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
