there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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