Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
