sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
