She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i think i have two assholes
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
