i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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