I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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