Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
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