if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
