Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
All the doctor said was why
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
