Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
