Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
