Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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