my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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