If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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