I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
