Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
