There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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