My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
