he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Randomize
